Heart is Breaking

I watch my Father grow weaker and weaker each day and my heart breaks a little bit more. I know having Terminal Cancer it's bound to happen, still it's so hard to watch. My family and friends tell me how proud they are of me for being here with him and all I gave up to be here, but I don't feel as if I have given up anything.

I hear him talking in his sleep. He went to rest in his bed a few minutes ago and told me goodnight. It's only a four ten pm. The Hospice nurses and doctor told me, he would eventually start going to bed more and more and would sleep more and more till he finally just went to sleep permanently. I have to wonder if that is beginning to happen.

My Heart is Breaking!

I know I'm supposed to be prepared for what is happening and what is to come, but I'm not. I try to be brave because I don't want Dad worrying about me or put any more worries on my brothers and sisters. maybe, I should be use to how things are - more so than the others, because I am here - but, I'm not.

My Heart is Breaking.

Tonight I fixed Chilli for supper and felt guilty because I know that Dad wouldn't be able to eat much of it - if any. Now I know he won't because he's sleeping. All he has ate today is a bowl of gravy and bread - something he really enjoys and can keep down - a slice of pound cake with two scopes of Vannila Ice Cream, and a small bowl of vegetable soup and a couple of crackers. He has drunk two small glasses of Buttermilk. I know he can only eat what he can eat, but I wish I could find something that he liked and wanted to eat.

My Heart is Breaking.

How do I face my Dad not being her?

April

Good Day

My brother and his wife came to see Dad today then surprised me after they arrived that their children and there mates were coming as well, but wanted to surprise Dad. Good thing I got the ham out to thaw last night.

We all sat in the living room  surrounding Dad and talking. There was some western on that sent most of us out of the room. YUCK! LOL Yes, it was that bad. LOL When we got ready to fix lunch/supper Renee' and I fixed the ham, made mashed potatoes and gravy, corn and green beans. We also had rolls. Good thing I picked up to packs.

Most of us sat around the table, but by then Dad was already was resting in bed and John sat in there with him. They ate and talked. Well, dad took a couple of bites of mashed potatoes and gravy, one piece of ham I had cut up for him - and I do mean one piece slice chunk and a bite of roll. Not much I know. I gave him one of his Boast drinks later.

I took pictures of the whole thing. I wanted to get what might very well be the last pictures of them together. I'll post them as well.

My nephew fixed my DVD player so it would play on the flat screen, so now I can watch my videos in the living room. Something I might do once I post this.

All in all it was a good day.

Dad, John and myself

Dad, Renee' - she scratched her head just as I took the picture LOL - John

Dad. John and Renee

Kellie -her back to me - Lee (Nicole" boyfriend  Right),From Lee around the table, Nicole, Renee' Justin and John

Dad, Justin and Kellie (Left) and Nicole and Lee ( Right)

This is the pound cake Renee' made. It reminds me of a Sandcastle. What do you think. Yes, it was as good as it looks. I was good, I only had one small slice.

April

A Long Night

I spent another night on the couch - no more switching out with my sister. LOL  I don't mind sleeping there, it allows me to be closer to my dad. Last night was one of those nights that it proved to me how much I need to be there.

He feel asleep early, about seven pm then woke a little - I am having such a difficult time spelling this morning. My mind doesn't compute simple words. LOL - after nine and needed me to help him get to the bathroom to clean out his Colostomy bag.

He has been so weak the past few days and I first thought it was where he stayed in bed for two days, but now I'm not sure. He sleeps a lot now and I was told that was a sign of the end. He's asleep in his chair in the living room. He had to use his walker to get there and even with that his legs shook.

Eating consists of a small breakfast - something he couldn't even do this morning - he tried to eat two eggs and a slice of bacon and a piece of toast with grape jam. All he managed to get down was the toast and a bite or two of one of the two eggs, he didn't touch the bacon.  I gave him one of his Boost drinks and two glasses of buttermilk- blah! LOL I'm hoping that will be enough to keep him from getting hungry. Supper has become non-existint for him.

I have place to T-Bone steaks in seasoning sauce and placed them in the refridgerator for tomorrow - I want them nice and tender. I doubt if he will eat one, but I'm going to do my best to make the tempting.

After he cleaned his Colostomy bag, he made it back to bed and was fast asleep. Then I heard him groaning in his sleep and I got up to see what was wrong. Turned out his tailbone was really hurting and I got his pillow he sits on and helped him up to sit in the chair we have in his room. I ended up giving him something for the pain in liquid form. He was then able to get back in bed and go back to sleep.

I went back to the couch and fell back to sleep only to have a bad dream and to be woke up by the sound of things falling off his table by his bed. I jumped up and ran to the bedroom and discovered Dad had been trying to pick up his small flashlight to check the time and in the process knocked off his water glass, the flashlight landed in the floor as well as his glasses.

I got that all straightened and a fresh glass of water for him and he stated again how bad his tailbone hurt. I asked him if he wanted something for the pain again and he said no. He was soon back to sleep and I headed back to the couch.

I woke to the sound of him groaning again and got up to check on him, he was sound asleep and back to the couch I went - that was about six-thirty.

Finally about seven-thirty I heard him call my name and I got up and went to his room to find him sitting up on the side of his bed. I helped him to the chair in his room and gave him something for pain again in liquid form. We have been up ever since - well I have. LOL

He woke for just a moment and has fallen back to sleep. I need to go get him some more of his Boost drinks, but am really afraid to leave him alone. I guess I have finally reached that point in his illness. I will probably call my brother and ask him to cover to be with Dad so I can run to the store and then when I get back he can leave. He says it's to hard on him to see Dad in the condition he is in. Well, it's hard on me as well, but I'm dealing with it.

Guess I have rambled enough. Thanks to whomever reads this.


April

Changes

I'm really unsure how to start this blog or how to really put into words all that is running through my mind, but I will give it a shot. There may be some who read this that doesn't know that my father has Cancer and this blog will revolve around him.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch so I could be near my father in case he needed me. It has been four years since my father was diagnosed with Rectal/Colon Cancer. The doctor who did the surgery got all that he could see, but his Chemo doctor told him he would never be rid of the type of Cancer he had, but they could keep it at bay with Chemo.

So, for two and a half years Dad did the Chemo thing and he did really well on it even the doctors were surprised, because they told him they were giving him a very strong dose; in fact the strength was what they would give a man in his twenties.

Then one day he had his treatment at the hospital and when he was finished he stood up and he could hardly stand. He had to where a pump that sent the chemo treatments home for two and a half days and he shook and felt sick the whole time. It was at that point that he said, No more.

Off the Chemo he went and it felt to me at that point that the Chemo doctors and nurses just washed their hands of him - truthfully, I felt they had really done that way before he stopped the treatments. Why? Because of his age. He was eighty two when he was diagnosed with Cancer and by the time he stopped Chemo he was eight-four. I felt that because of his age they didn't try as hard as they would if he had been a young man. After all he was in his eighties so why try, he lived a good and long life. They haven't even called to see how he is doing. I mean, he is still their patient, shouldn't they care? I guess, that went out with house calls.

He was put on Hospice as soon as he went off Chemo and that has been a year. He was doing well, but now it seems every day something new is occurring. He shakes all the time and his appetite has dropped off drastically.

Which brings me up to yesterday. He ate breakfast and I ran my nephew to school then ran some errands and buy the time I got back, Dad had thrown back up what he ate. He ate a small amount of Supper and that too came back.

Now, I don't know if this is part of the Cancer working or not, but I know he needs to eat. I went to the store this morning and picked him up some jello and pudding hoping it would help keep something in his stomach, but I never thought of chicken noodle soup until he asked if we had any.  I have no idea why I didn't think about that, but I should have.

I feel as if I am letting him down and that maybe he would be better off with someone else looking after him, someone who would think about things he can eat. I asked him if he wanted me to go get him some - money is a little tight - and he said no.  I may call my brother and see if he can bring some home.

I would run out and get it anyway, but anyone who knows my father, knows not to aggravate him and I really don't want to deal with having to take his anger because I spent more money.

WHY DIDN'T I JUST THINK ABOUT IT WHILE I WAS OUT!!!!!!

April

Come on in, sit right down

Grab a cup of coffee/tea whichever you prefer and relax. Think of this as a place to go when you need to get away. I hope you enjoy your time here and we become the best of friends. 

April