Wet Day

There is a steady rain falling outside this morning, it comes down hard then slacks off. The temp here is around 57 degrees and does not seem to be getting any warmer. Temps could reach 61, but I seriously doubt it will.

Days like today make me feel lazy and I just want to curl up in a blanket with a good book, but with taking care of my Dad that is not something I feel I can do. I hear him in there now talking, something he does more and more lately. He does not even realize he is doing it.

His feet and ankles hurt all the time and I am starting to hear him groan while he sleeps. He is also seeing a little girl with blonde hair standing by his bed as well as a group of adults. He gets aggravated when he asks them something and they don't answer. He says he is talking to me, but I'm not in there.

I told my sister in - law and one of my other brother's girlfriend what Dad sees and brother # 5's girlfriend asked if he knew anyone that had passed away at that age and I said, "He had a sister that died at that age and from the look of the picture her hair looked blonde." It is a B&W picture.

I try to listen to what he says when he does talk out loud, because I not only want to know he is alright, but I find out pieces of information about his past as a young man and that gives me a glance into his life before we all were born.

He talks about his childhood and how hard it was, but it was a good childhood and he was happy. He misses his Dad a lot now and has even started talking about mom more and saying how much he loved her. he hasn't talked about her hardly at all in the forty years she has been gone - well in Dec this year will be forty years - but now he needs and wants her picture in his room. I guess it makes him feel closer to her.

I hear him groaning now. I really wish there were something I could do to help him. I guess just being here has to be enough.

Busy past three days

Since the first of the month I have done nothing but running.

Let me begin at the beginning...

May 1st... I went to get some supplies for my father's Colostomy and intended to stop at Save-A-Lot pick up some groceries - that was the plan, but it didn't quite work out that way. Turned out there were some problems with the paperwork and she needed a little more information so I couldn't get the supplies then and I would need to come back later that day when things were fixed. So I went on and did my shopping. That was accomplished somewhat quickly, after all I only needed a few small things and a Pork Loin. 

Now ask me if I got the Pork Loin....Did I get the Pork Loin, you ask? NO! The man in the meat department would never come out into the store, even after I went and asked to have him paged.. After about ten minutes of waiting, I went and checked out. I told the cashier that he never came out and I guess the manger heard me and she went to check both myself and the cashier told her all I wanted was a Pork Loin. She came back a few minutes later and said he was back there and I could go back and talk to him. I WAS ALMOST CHECKED OUT! I just couldn't walk off and let the people standing behind me wait until I had the meat I wanted. I told her I would probably just come back in after I got all the groceries in my car, but once I had I was just fed up and I got in the car and left. The least she could have done was brought the meat to me, after all it's not that heavy, right?

Anyway, I go home put away the groceries and help my father empty his colostomy bag then made sure he had everything he needed and headed to Bi Lo to get the things I couldn't get at Save - A - Lot., came home put all that away, helped my dad empty his CB again. By that time I received a phone call from Barney's saying she couldn't fill the order because she needed a number of some kind and that I needed to come get the papers go back to Ft. Gordon and have them redo the papers. I decided it could wait until the next day. I had left my dad alone enough for one day - something I DO NOT like to do.

May2nd...I get up, shower and dress, make sure dad has his breakfast, his meds and plenty to drink and I head across town back to Barney's, pick up the papers and head back across town to Ft. Gordon, hunt for a parking place - not an easy thing to find - go down to the first floor - I took the steps down and back up - walk down a long hallway and ask to talk to some one about getting the ID number I need for  the paperwork and am told he can't sign it this morning, could I come back this afternoon. I think I must have had this crazy expression of disbelief on my face because I could only stare at her. She asked me for a phone number so he could call me when it was finished. I guess, I was still staring because she asked me if I had anything I needed to do than I could do that until I got the call.

I remember thinking...Do I have anything I need to do? Heck, Yea, Plenty and running around because of paperwork isn't one of them!  I needed to still get that pork loin and had thought about stopping back at S-A-L, but only after i got dad's supplies - I didn't want meat sitting in the car while I waited on something else. So, instead I headed for Wal-Mart where I quickly grabbed the personal things I would need for the month and put them in the car. I then went back after the stuff we would need for the month in the house.

We are expecting family in today so I also grabbed paper plates and cups. I started to get the deli meat - having subs for everyone - but decided to hold off until I checked the other store prices. By the time I grabbed Dad and I some lunch and headed home it was after 1pm and I was exhausted. I put all the things away, helped dad empty his CB bag and collapsed in a chair to rest. I no sooner sat down when my cell rang and it was FT Gordon telling me the paper was ready. I asked him if I could pick it up the next day. I could.

May 3rd...get up give dad his breakfast, meds, empty catheter bag - CB didn't need it - showered, dressed headed out the door back across town, finally picked up supplies, stopped at S-A-L  and can't get pork loin, no one in the meat department yet and they said they had equipment problems.  SOOOOO, I still do not have the pork loin.

I went out to the car to call dad to let him know and to tell him that I couldn't get the Pork loin, but the phone was busy - we have call waiting - so I waited and tried again with the same results. I had intended to head for Wal-Mart, but instead I headed home. Once there I went in to see that Dad was trying to call me to find out where I was because he asked me to call when I finished at Ft Gordon - I forgot - and my head was handed to me on a platter.  I won't bother with all that was said, but lets just say I headed to Wal-Mart in tears. He was upset with one of my brothers and I got the fall out.

Instead of going to Wal-Mart I decided to check out Foodlion's prices and I ended up getting all I needed for Saturday's -Today - meal. My brother from SC and his family came in to see Dad and another brother was supposed to come in from Atlanta, but he postponed it until next Saturday, another brother who leaves in the area and his girlfriend came over as well.

I ended up buying waaaaaay to much deli meat for subs, but I look at it this way, we have enough for next weekend and for me to have a sub a day, which might help me drop a few unwanted pounds.

We all had a great time, but dad slept threw most of it. They spent as much time with him as they could. It seemed if they stopped talking or left the room for a minute he was fast asleep. He fell asleep while my sister in law, my niece in law and myself sat in there talking. In fact just a few minutes ago I was in there with him and I glanced over at him to discover he was asleep again. I know it's his condition, but I wonder if he does, because he always says that he only falls asleep when he is alone.

All in all it was a really good day despite the fact that it rained all day and it was a bit on the cool side.

HGTV

I keep looking at the smart home on HGTV. I love that place so much. So much so that I keep trying to find a place to sit my treadmill I will get. LOL 

Were would you place one - Master Bedroom, Living room, Kids room, Loft, Sun Deck, deck (off the living room) or private Deck Off the Master Bedroom, Garage?

Then I thought about Dad's two White Wing Back Chairs...Where would I place them? Of course they would have to be cleaned to make them as white as they should be and not take away from the decor.

That Swordfish would have to go that's for sure and I just noticed the large Sea shell in the corner in the Living room by the deck doors and under the Swordfish. I might leave that, but as I stated what would I replace it with? Another huge Sea shell?

What would you replace it with? 

I love the thought of the beach just a bike ride away. I would probably be spending all my time there. I love the fact that the master Bedroom is on the first floor as well, though that guest bedroom is pretty nice as well. I like the kids room, but being alone I wonder if it would be worth keeping that way. It would make a great exercise room, with it's on bathroom it would be really convent in emergencies - maybe that's where the white Wing back chairs could go as well. 

It appears to be a walking path around the place as well. I could be wrong, but if not another great way to get in shape. 

 It's all a nice dream - for someone. Who will it be?

 

My Birthday Wish

I know I don't blog very often and there is only one person that reads when I do. Which means she all ready knows about what I am going to say. LOL

So, why am I blogging? I really don't know, but here I go.


Barry Manilow is coming to the Gwinnett Civic Center in Deluth, Ga on April 27th, that's three days after my birthday.

I bet everyone can guess where I would want to sit. LOL Though I told a friend I would take the least price just so  could be there. I told my brother about the concert and to my surprise he didn't laugh at me - which is the norm for my family - instead, he told me to go. Well, that takes money and someone to stay with my father - he is in the 4th stage of colon cancer and since I take care of him 24/7 I would need someone to stay with him while I went. When I told my brother that he said, he would stay with our Dad. I really appreciated his gesture, but that doesn't take care of the money side of things.

It's a nice dream-one I will keep tucked away for another day.

April

Heart is Breaking

I watch my Father grow weaker and weaker each day and my heart breaks a little bit more. I know having Terminal Cancer it's bound to happen, still it's so hard to watch. My family and friends tell me how proud they are of me for being here with him and all I gave up to be here, but I don't feel as if I have given up anything.

I hear him talking in his sleep. He went to rest in his bed a few minutes ago and told me goodnight. It's only a four ten pm. The Hospice nurses and doctor told me, he would eventually start going to bed more and more and would sleep more and more till he finally just went to sleep permanently. I have to wonder if that is beginning to happen.

My Heart is Breaking!

I know I'm supposed to be prepared for what is happening and what is to come, but I'm not. I try to be brave because I don't want Dad worrying about me or put any more worries on my brothers and sisters. maybe, I should be use to how things are - more so than the others, because I am here - but, I'm not.

My Heart is Breaking.

Tonight I fixed Chilli for supper and felt guilty because I know that Dad wouldn't be able to eat much of it - if any. Now I know he won't because he's sleeping. All he has ate today is a bowl of gravy and bread - something he really enjoys and can keep down - a slice of pound cake with two scopes of Vannila Ice Cream, and a small bowl of vegetable soup and a couple of crackers. He has drunk two small glasses of Buttermilk. I know he can only eat what he can eat, but I wish I could find something that he liked and wanted to eat.

My Heart is Breaking.

How do I face my Dad not being her?

April

Good Day

My brother and his wife came to see Dad today then surprised me after they arrived that their children and there mates were coming as well, but wanted to surprise Dad. Good thing I got the ham out to thaw last night.

We all sat in the living room  surrounding Dad and talking. There was some western on that sent most of us out of the room. YUCK! LOL Yes, it was that bad. LOL When we got ready to fix lunch/supper Renee' and I fixed the ham, made mashed potatoes and gravy, corn and green beans. We also had rolls. Good thing I picked up to packs.

Most of us sat around the table, but by then Dad was already was resting in bed and John sat in there with him. They ate and talked. Well, dad took a couple of bites of mashed potatoes and gravy, one piece of ham I had cut up for him - and I do mean one piece slice chunk and a bite of roll. Not much I know. I gave him one of his Boast drinks later.

I took pictures of the whole thing. I wanted to get what might very well be the last pictures of them together. I'll post them as well.

My nephew fixed my DVD player so it would play on the flat screen, so now I can watch my videos in the living room. Something I might do once I post this.

All in all it was a good day.

Dad, John and myself

Dad, Renee' - she scratched her head just as I took the picture LOL - John

Dad. John and Renee

Kellie -her back to me - Lee (Nicole" boyfriend  Right),From Lee around the table, Nicole, Renee' Justin and John

Dad, Justin and Kellie (Left) and Nicole and Lee ( Right)

This is the pound cake Renee' made. It reminds me of a Sandcastle. What do you think. Yes, it was as good as it looks. I was good, I only had one small slice.

April

A Long Night

I spent another night on the couch - no more switching out with my sister. LOL  I don't mind sleeping there, it allows me to be closer to my dad. Last night was one of those nights that it proved to me how much I need to be there.

He feel asleep early, about seven pm then woke a little - I am having such a difficult time spelling this morning. My mind doesn't compute simple words. LOL - after nine and needed me to help him get to the bathroom to clean out his Colostomy bag.

He has been so weak the past few days and I first thought it was where he stayed in bed for two days, but now I'm not sure. He sleeps a lot now and I was told that was a sign of the end. He's asleep in his chair in the living room. He had to use his walker to get there and even with that his legs shook.

Eating consists of a small breakfast - something he couldn't even do this morning - he tried to eat two eggs and a slice of bacon and a piece of toast with grape jam. All he managed to get down was the toast and a bite or two of one of the two eggs, he didn't touch the bacon.  I gave him one of his Boost drinks and two glasses of buttermilk- blah! LOL I'm hoping that will be enough to keep him from getting hungry. Supper has become non-existint for him.

I have place to T-Bone steaks in seasoning sauce and placed them in the refridgerator for tomorrow - I want them nice and tender. I doubt if he will eat one, but I'm going to do my best to make the tempting.

After he cleaned his Colostomy bag, he made it back to bed and was fast asleep. Then I heard him groaning in his sleep and I got up to see what was wrong. Turned out his tailbone was really hurting and I got his pillow he sits on and helped him up to sit in the chair we have in his room. I ended up giving him something for the pain in liquid form. He was then able to get back in bed and go back to sleep.

I went back to the couch and fell back to sleep only to have a bad dream and to be woke up by the sound of things falling off his table by his bed. I jumped up and ran to the bedroom and discovered Dad had been trying to pick up his small flashlight to check the time and in the process knocked off his water glass, the flashlight landed in the floor as well as his glasses.

I got that all straightened and a fresh glass of water for him and he stated again how bad his tailbone hurt. I asked him if he wanted something for the pain again and he said no. He was soon back to sleep and I headed back to the couch.

I woke to the sound of him groaning again and got up to check on him, he was sound asleep and back to the couch I went - that was about six-thirty.

Finally about seven-thirty I heard him call my name and I got up and went to his room to find him sitting up on the side of his bed. I helped him to the chair in his room and gave him something for pain again in liquid form. We have been up ever since - well I have. LOL

He woke for just a moment and has fallen back to sleep. I need to go get him some more of his Boost drinks, but am really afraid to leave him alone. I guess I have finally reached that point in his illness. I will probably call my brother and ask him to cover to be with Dad so I can run to the store and then when I get back he can leave. He says it's to hard on him to see Dad in the condition he is in. Well, it's hard on me as well, but I'm dealing with it.

Guess I have rambled enough. Thanks to whomever reads this.


April